


The Party Favour

by TheRedheadinQuestion



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Humor, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, mystrade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:52:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3140003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedheadinQuestion/pseuds/TheRedheadinQuestion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, you remember something dumb you did when you were young....and then you realize it would make a funny fic.    Mostly Johnlock, but a Mystrade mention at the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Party Favour

"Sherlock, I'm home."

 

"Really John?  My deduction skills are so lacking that you felt the need to announce your return from the pub?"

 

"Shut it or I won't show you what I got."

 

"A belly full of greasy food?  A damaged liver?"

 

"Fine.  You don't get to see."

 

"What?"

 

"Oh no.  It's too late now.  You'll never know what I've got in my pocket."

 

"Tell me."

 

"40 years from now, you'll scratch your head and ask what I kept from you, all those years ago..."

 

"Tell!"

 

"Okay, okay, don't get tetchy.  I've got...this."

 

"A packet?  A small plastic packet?"

 

"Someone was having a stag do in the pub while Greg and I were there.  They started throwing party favours around and a few of these landed on our table."

 

"And what is it?"

 

"An edible condom."

 

"An edible condom."

 

"Yep.  An edible condom."

 

"I fail to understand how food is a valid substance to prevent pregnancy and disease, John."

 

"It's not for that.  See, you put it on someone, then eat it off."

 

"John, in case you haven't noticed, I have no problem putting your penis in my mouth.  And, might I add, you've never complained when mine is in yours.

 

"I know but-"

 

"One should never consider one's member a vehicle in which to serve food.  All that chewing and biting near such a sensitive area."

 

"Seriously, Sherlock?"

 

"What?"

 

"You're going to take a scientific approach to an edible condom?"

 

"What's wrong with that?"

 

"That's not what it's for!  It's fun."

 

"I don't need a cheap party trick to have fun with your penis, John.  Why just last night--"

 

"Yes, I remember last night.  Vividly.  But I thought...you know..."

 

"You want to try the condom.  The edible condom.  Why not just eat it out of the package?"

 

"'Cause that's not how it's done.  We need to put it on a penis first."

 

"Fine, come here and you can wear--"

 

"I wanted to put it on you."

 

"Me?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Absolutely not."

 

"Think of all the data you could collect.  Then the blog post you could write on the effects of an edible condom on the male libido."

 

"That...might...be acceptable."

 

"So you're in?"

 

"Fine.  For Science, you understand."

 

"Of course."

 

****

 

"So how do we do this?"

 

"Let's see....the package says to insure the penis is very wet, then carefully sheathe it inside the condom."

 

"Do we need to get into the shower---uummphhhhhh!"

 

"Mmmhmmmm"

 

"Ahhhh....John.....yessssss"

 

"That's one way to get your cock wet."

 

"You could keep going, you know.  I wouldn't mind postponing...."

 

"Nope.  Science waits for no man.  Hand me the condom..."

 

"It looks like fruit leather.  A weird fruit leather envelope...thing."

 

"Slide it on and let's get to the fun."

 

"Fine."

 

"Hmm...well, that was easy.  Now the directions say to hold firm until it adheres."

 

"Adheres?  That doesn't sound good when discussing my penis."

 

"Whatever.  Okay...now I nibble..."

 

"I feel rather silly."

 

"Eww."

 

"What?"

 

"That's disgusting!"

 

"Come again?"

 

"It tastes like something crawled up and died right on your dick."

 

"Oh thanks.  Who's the drama queen now?  C'mon, you wanted to eat it, so eat."

 

"Well, maybe this side might be better..."

 

"Pfffbbbt.....nope!  Gross!  Gross!  Gross!"

 

"John, come back here!"

 

"Holl on...gotta rennns mouuuf."

 

 

..........

 

..........

 

"John!"

 

"Sherlock, I'm sorry, I can't.  That thing is truly horrible."

 

"Fine, just peel it off."

 

"Uh...Sherlock?"

 

"Get it off me."

 

"It won't peel.  It's sort of stuck to you."

 

"So unstick it."

 

"It won't.  Maybe if I scrape it with my nail..."

 

"Ow!  Do I really need to explain the dangers of nail scraping on a penis?

 

"Well, what would you have me do?  Use a kitchen knife to scrape it?  Maybe a spoon would make a better scraping--"

 

"Stop saying scrape."

 

"I suppose we could get a scrub pad--"

 

"No.  Absolutely not."

 

"Maybe Mrs. Hudson might know--"

 

"NO!"

 

"Or maybe we could dip your penis in something that would dissolve it..."

 

"Joooohhhhhnnnn!  Get this thing off me now!"

 

"I'm trying, Sherlock!  But you've rejected everything I've proposed."

 

"You'll just have to eat it.  That is what you planned."

 

"I'm sorry love.  I never thought I'd say this, but no way is your cock going near my mouth.  At least not while that thing is on it.

 

"For Christ's sake!"

 

"Let me get a warm wet flannel.  Maybe that will soften it enough so I can wipe it off."

 

"Hurry."

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Okay...it's really warm, so-"

 

"TOO HOT!  TOO HOT!"

 

"Sorry!  Really, I'm sorry love."

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Okay...I've cooled it down.  Just let me wrap it around you."

 

"So how long do we have to wait?"

 

"Dunno.  A minute or two?"

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Okay...let me see...."

 

"John, it's not coming off."

 

"I can see that."

 

"Get it off me!"

 

"Maybe if I rubbed it with the flannel..."

 

"Aggggh!  That hurts, you idiot."

 

"Sorry!"

 

"Maybe I'll just go sit in a warm tub and let it soak."

 

"Here...let me run it for you."

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Wow...it turned your bath water red, didn't it?"

 

"Hmpffh."

 

"Any signs of softening?"

 

"I softened long ago, John."

 

"I meant the condom."

 

"Oh that.  No.  I'm apparently doomed to solve crimes with my member wrapped in inedible fruit leather."

 

"Oh, it's not as bad as all that."

 

"Really?  Perhaps we should get another and put it on you."

 

"No no...that's okay."

 

"Uh huh.  I thought as much."

 

"Well, maybe if we held it under water and I gently rubbed..."

 

"John, NO---"

 

"See?  A piece came off."

 

"Yes, but it hurt."

 

"How bad?"

 

"Bad.  Very not good."

 

"Worse than after-orgasm sensitivity but better than a blow to the groin?"

 

"Yes."

 

"So...something you can deal with for a while?"

 

"No."

 

"Sherlock, at this point we need to either rub it off or take you down to A&E and see what they have to say."

 

"Fine.  But I'll do it myself."

 

"You sure?  I'd be happy to-"

 

"I think you've done enough."

 

"I'm just going to sit here and watch over you, in case you need something."

 

"And this is not going on the blog."

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Wow...that water really is turning red, isn't it?"

 

"Shut up."

 

"Really, really red."

 

"John, if you don't cease your prattle, _you'll_ wake up in the morning with something around your penis.  I can assure you it won't be as pleasant as this is."

 

"Shutting it now."

 

.......

.......

.......

.......

 

"That seems to be the last of it.  I'm taking a shower."

 

"Thank goodness.  Shall I make tea?"

 

"It's the least you can do."

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

.......

 

"Here's your...what is that?"

 

"What's what?"

 

"Your cock.  It's.  Red."

 

"Yes John.  My penis has been dyed red.  Apparently there's quite a lot of food dye in that thing."

 

"Sherlock, I'm so, so sorry.  I'm glad you're better."

 

"You owe me.  You owe me big, John Watson."

 

"I sort of do, don't I?  Well, whatever you want tonight--it's yours."

 

"Excellent.  I think we'll start-"

 

"Oh CRAP."

 

"What?"

 

"Greg got the other one.  He said he was going to put it on Mycroft while he's sleeping and surprise him.  Maybe I should warn--"

 

"No!"


End file.
